Confessions of a Retail Worker

Alongside university, I have a job, which is pretty great. I work in retail, and obviously I can't say which store, but it's pretty big. I get that I have responsibilities in my job, otherwise I'd get paid for doing essentially nothing, but sometimes, I feel that shoppers stretch these concepts a bit too far every now and again, and somewhere below are a few examples of that.

I've been at said store for about two years now, so I'm getting the full experience when it comes to what happens in retail stores. I've also learned that whoever came up with the term 'the customer is always right' has a lot to answer for. That's right, ladies and gents; we hate you. We may look all sociable and all happy on the outside, but secretly, we hate you. Not loads, but a bit nonetheless.

I'd just like to kick off by showing you this concept for a store 'of the future'. I'd also like to add; good luck keeping all that in check when you get some little messy kids in store, or some elderly folks who can't figure out how to use a tablet.

I would try and conjure up some form of coherent structure to this series of experiences, stories and complaints, but as with most things which attempt to write down, it'll probably just turn into one big rant. 

People are dicks.

Unless you catch me at the start of my shift, and you're a nice person, I'm sorry, but I won't legitimately care. There's only so much caring I can do in one day, and it is with regret that I tell you that most of it is wasted on people who don't have manners. Or any form of common courtesy. 

As soon as I get to a till, I know that the next 8 or so hours will be filled with people being entitled, demeaning dicks. So when I'm confronted with a lady who thinks she knows the consumer rights act inside-out, or people who seem to have forgotten that the words 'please' and 'cheers' actually exist, you'll have to forgive me if I'm not very enthusiastic. See, if it weren't for you slamming shit down on the counter, barely responding to me, or tutting vigorously, I'd be none the wiser. Act like a bit more of a dick, and I may serve you faster.

What's that? You don't believe our refunds policy? Well, I'll get a manager to repeat what I just said, pretty much word for word, and then you'll be absolutely fine, because you simply don't trust my word as a lowly cashier. You dick.

You've dropped a jacket on the floor. Fair enough, these things happen. You glance up, see me, and proceed to walk away, because you know I'll have to do it? That makes you an arsehole, good sir. My job isn't to be your personal bitch...

If I'm serving your other half, there's no need to fret. I call everyone 'love' and 'mate', it's not an exclusive thing I'm doing just to get on your nerves. If you're going to be an unsociable cock and just sit with your back to me, that's fine, but if you're going to start sizing me up because I'm serving your missus, then you can do one, mate. I'm serving her, not trying to pull her. 

Right, so a pair of chatty women, I can deal with. Said pair who proceed to ignore me, I can deal with. The same pair, who then insist on taking three (yes, I counted) selfies during the course of the transaction, I cannot. I am done, my hope is lost. Who wants to know about your shopping trip? No-one, love. Your horrendous example of vain-gloriousness is a reason why I don't trust people anymore. And speaking of excessive use of Snapchat...

Get off your bloody phone.

There was a lady at Sainsbury's that refused to serve a customer who was on the phone. Good on her. That's something I've encountered far too much at work, it's like everyone suddenly loses any knowledge of basic etiquette. I mean, I don't mind if I'm serving you and you receive a call, just say something along the lines of "I'm sorry, I need to take this". That's fine. I ain't your other half, who demands your attention at all times. 

However, if you come to the till on your phone and don't make an effort to wrap up your call, you're a dick. I've served people at times and not said a world all the way through, either resorting to an incredibly fake smile, or if I'm feeling particularly vicious, a passive-aggressive "thanks".

But really, are you normally just a prick to complete strangers? Or have you just had a bad day? Honestly, I couldn't care less pal, you being pissy is no excuse to treat others in a shitty manner. 

In addition, when did kids become such little shits? Numerous times, a mother and her kid will be at the tills; said mother will be friendly and sociable, and the kid will be on their phone. Just texting, nothing special. The mum will make some remark along the lines of "These are nice, aren't they?", to absolutely no response. Then I have to resist the urge to make adult remarks that the child won't understand. I swear retail brings out the worst in you.   

No, I won't look after your kids.

I thought this was something which happened solely in Walmart stores in America, but apparently being a shitty parent is a pretty worldwide phenomenon.

I can understand customers wanting us to save items for a while if they go and look elsewhere, but that's because they're inanimate objects, and chances are we can replace them if they go missing. But you want me to watch your kids, "for five minutes" while you have a look around this massive shop, and when I've got stuff to do.

Mate, I'm sorry to inform you, but people study courses and stuff in order to look after kids. I have no such qualifications. Go find someone who wants to take care of children, rather than asking me to. I mean, kids are... errrrrrrrrr.

I've even had people who can't deal with their kids ask me to tell them off. I can barely take myself seriously at work, and you expect me to maintain any kind of composure telling a 7 year-old lad to pack it in? If it were up to me and a manager wasn't watching, I'd probably be running around the shop floor screaming too.

That being said, if you're willing to pay me a childminder's wage, then I'll give it a go at least.

I don't know, and don't really care.

I would normally care about how you've been served, or if the quality of our products are questionable, but if you're going to be a dosy prick and not even try any other options, then you can just immediately do one. 

We've just had a sale kick-off at work, which is annoying a couple of reasons. It's never Black Friday levels of bad, but we still get people waiting to be let in. Firstly, it means lots of late shifts for us, having to stay behind to tidy up shit, sticker shit and organise shit. That's a bit shit as it is. The other annoying thing, is what customers subsequently turn into in sale time. You become monsters. Patrons throw shit on the floor and don't make any effort to be tidy or decent. And it also seems that commonsense goes out of the window too. 

Good God, this video sums it all up so well...

Just take a second and think. We're in a sale, in which products sell very, very quickly. So that top that you're so certain we've got in, isn't in. Don't believe me? I'll pretend to have a look in the back then. I get that the stockroom is a magical, mysterious place for you customers, but it's just a big room. And in this case, with no clothes in them. 

Is this item in the sale? Well, luckily enough, I've got our entire stock-take memorised in my head. It's only three quid off, so you don't want it? And you say you'll go to Primark instead? Mate, I'll show you the exit... 

You're annoyed that this isn't in the sale? It's not honestly. Yup, I checked earlier, it's only things that are on certain rails. Yeah, there probably are some misplaced items, because we're understaffed and people like you apparently have the memory of a alcoholic goldfish. 

I don't know when we'll have that item in. That vaguely described dress that I miraculously found online isn't coming back anytime soon. I'm not even sure such a thing exists:

"Have you got this dress, I've seen it in your other store.It's like, kinda, a navy blue thing with this shape *unintelligible motions* down the back. It had a playsuit kinda deal going off, but it was like a mix of a dress and a scarf. No, I don't know a product code or name...". Mate, if you're gonna want me to even try and humour you and your oddly unspecific request, at least try. Try not to act like a clueless wank-stain. 

We get our stock at random, and we don't pick what we get, someone who's never been in store does all that business. And you can piss off if you think you're getting free delivery because you've suddenly remembered your manners. Dick. 

We're shut. Piss off.

Luckily for me, this has never hindered me personally, but I've heard disastrous tales of it in other, similar stores in which friends have worked in. 

For our store, let's say we shut at 9pm, which is a reasonable time to close, or so I thought. If I'm on a shift until 9, I'll go at 9 on the dot, as there'll be someone else to serve, (everyone does that, not just myself by the way). Chances are that we'll have a good few people in until 9:30, by which time all customers will have left, theoretically. 

So, this ain't a problem for our store, what with us staying in later and us having a shitload of staff. But if I'm in until that utterly final closing time, I can guarantee there will always be a few questionable characters in the shop until the very end. And by 'questionable characters', I mean dickheads who are trying to nick stuff, or think that cause we're tired and wanting to go home, we'll get frustrated and just knock money off of things. Well no, you tight-arse, I'm here for another hour, so there's plenty of time for you to act up, me to pretend to look in the back, get a manager, quibble for a bit, get security to escort you out, and I'll still be going home on time. 

And if you try and nick stuff at the end of the shift, what with us having fewer staff, then just do one. Especially stealing stuff in the sale. is three quid to expensive for this top? That's a Subway you could've bought, so just buy it properly, you dick. 

It's best when these individuals try and masquerade as clueless shoppers from abroad, asking if we've got something in, before being sternly told, "It's 9:30, we're shut, you need to leave". Yup, dump those clothes round the back of the shop and pretend you don't have a grasp of the concept of time, as long as you aren't stealing anything, I don't care. 

Pretty much every day...

Did I ruin your special occasion? I'm good at that.

Picture this: Lady essentially jumps behind the tills, asking if we have anymore of these shoes in the back, because the ones that are out are all dirty. 

Fair enough. An average inquiry, one which I believe I'm qualified to deal with. So if you'll now imagine me stood face-to-face with this lady at either side of the counter. "How quickly do you need them?" I ask, expecting a date which is more than 12 hours away. 

More often than not, I'm greeted with an answer of "tomorrow". So, once I've looked and I realise we haven't got any of these magical mystery shoes left in store, none in any local stores, and none online to order, (which doesn't matter as we need at least one day to order them, and even then that'll cost you pal), what do you expect me to say? Do you want me to begrudgingly conjure a pair out of my arse? Did you want me to go to our distribution centre and rummage around until I found a pair, then run back to the store before we close? 

Love, you're asking me to perform a logistical impossibility, and your shitty, snappy tone isn't helping. Just accept that you'll have to go next door, and get off my case. 

What's that, I've ruined your wedding tomorrow? Well, maybe you should plan your outfit for the special day with a number of days in the double digits, not with a decimal point. The same goes for countless birthdays, anniversaries and nights out which I have seemingly ruined, because I'm a dick who controls all of our stock.

There's a H&M literally next door love, just go there.

Do you know what a fitting room is? 

As a man, I'm sometimes on the men's section of this retail store. I like doing this; it's usually quieter and I can have a look at stuff for myself in the process. 

However, I've noticed that us men, like women, can be utter bellends when it comes to shopping. We have plenty of rooms purposely allocated for you to try shit on, I know you're here with your missus and you think your Chris Hemsworth, but use them. I don't want to see you topless, mate. Neither does that kid who's staring at you. Neither does anyone here, and if it weren't for my perilous job security, I would've approached you and asked you to use one. 

Instead, I'm on here bitching about it, but what else am I to do? 

With that being said, maybe I don't want you to use the fitting rooms after all. Whenever I've checked them, they've been a right shit-tip. Seriously, you have no idea how much I appreciate people who hang their clothes up and put them on a rail when they've tried them on. Some just leave them on the floor, the same floor which is caked in dust and hair (on a good day). 

Fitting rooms make me question whether people are actually civilised, or whether we're devolving on the evolutionary scale. I could have let a pack of wolves in those rooms, and there'd be a higher chance that the items they took in would come out folded, or on hangers. 

Ah well, at least I haven't found an bodily fluids or excrement in there. Yet. 

There are staff on the floor, have you looked?

Sometimes, this nameless retail store will be understaffed on a quite busy night, and we'll have the minimum amount of people on each section. One person will be on the tills, (usually me), another will be tidying the shop floor, and another will be doing customer requests. In this period, especially when there's a queue, you'll always get some silly arse who comes up to the tills, often shouting "I CAN'T SEE ANYONE AROUND! IS ANYONE SERVING?". 

Yeah pal, let me just stop this massive queue, (which you were complaining about too), to see if we've got one item in, which you ain't even gonna buy. Trust me, I've had the entire, "I'll look online myself" deal so many times, I've developed a sixth sense for it. Hence, you'll have to forgive me if I'm not that willing to annoy about twenty people to deal with your lone inquiry which you won't even follow through with. 

Stop making a scene, you're not royalty. Dick. 

And while I'm talking about queues, yeah there is one. Deal with it mate, I'm getting it sorted as quickly as possible. If I serve quickly, I'll get someone whining about shitty customer services, if I focus on being friendly, people will complain about how long it's taking. 

It's like road traffic. If you're in it, you are it. Do you really need to buy this pair of jeans oh so desperately? If the answer is 'yes', then fair enough. If not, dump them somewhere and get out of the queue. 

Points for originality, and thanks for pretending to care.

For the love of Christ, if I make small-talk and you end up telling me how lovely the weather is outside, I will have to refrain from stabbing you with a Biro. Cheers for telling me that you'll be off to a beer garden in the glorious sunshine, which happens to have an extended happy hour for the exact duration of my shift, and I'll be stuck without any natural light for the upcoming 6 hours.

And if you're someone who gives me a weird look, or comments on the quality of my folding when I jokingly remark, "apologies for my horrendous folding skills", then you can just do one son, jog on right into next door. 

It's not all that bad; sometimes people are nice. Sometimes people try and tell jokes, and make subtle remarks at how people are dicks. But let me give you a quick outline on what to say when being served: If something doesn't scan through the till, do not say "It must be free then", as one day you'll be met with "YOU EDGY PERSON YOU, THAT'S SOME DANK LAUGHS RIGHT THERE, GOOD ONE". Try something a bit more personal, like inquiring about the worst person I've served today. I get to vent, and you get to practice feigning interest. It's a win-win, really. 

The one thing I can't thank you for enough though, is attempting to have a conversation, a legitimate one. There's only so many lines I say, and I honestly can't be arsed to delve into something new. I'm like a NPC. 

Only a bit more human, and nowhere near as funny. So when people make the effort and start talking for me, it's just grand. If you're one of those lovely people, ta. 

But please don't be too caring.

There are some exceptions to this rule though. I once transferred to a different branch of the store in the same city as my university, which was convenient and very nice of the still nameless company. I often found that my accent, my way of conversing with others, and my manners were something of a novelty item for the people I served. Ah well, it got me more attention and good words for doing nothing extra, so I rolled with it. 

But one time, a gentleman took my normality for friendliness. And proceeded to hold up the queue for about 10 minutes while he chatted shit to me. Seriously, his stuff was in the bag, his wallet was in his pocket, and he's still going on about what I want to do at uni, and what job I'm after. I can remember his stare, his rapid, breathless talking. There was a point in which it changed from a conversation, to an interrogation. Guantanamo Bay could do with a chap like him. 

We often like to say 'kill them with kindness' when it comes to customer service in retail, but we're often woefully unprepared for when said kindness is so viciously turned on us. I know the chap had good intentions, but please try to refrain from being all serial-killery when being served. Please.

I think I'm done venting. Or ranting. Or just typing utter shite until my fingers hurt. I'm not trying to make the job sound all extravagant or excessively crappy. But I can essentially guarantee you that I'll be working tomorrow, and I'll discover something entirely new to rant about, in which case I'll probably edit this blog again. Although, it seems if I'm looking for interesting developments in my job, serving at restaurants may be the way to go. 

Just keep a thought for workers every now and again. I mean, we're people too, you dicks. At the very least, retail has made me into a much better customer. 

Respect the B-Sides

I’ve never really understood the entire point of releasing a song as a single, unless you’ve got some fancy new artwork to unveil. I mean, why would an artist release their work at all if they aren’t confident with it?

It just seems like a reason to tack some half-arsed songs onto a popular track in order to boost sales a bit. That being said, some artists do B-Sides the right way: They use them as a brand new canvas, an opportunity to go mental with their work without elongating their lunacy to full-length albums and LPs.

So what do you get when a band has no limits? No running theme to stick to, no producers to adhere to, no need to appease someone's idea of commercial viability? You get some of the best songs that these bands create. Unfortunately, they often go overshadowed by the singles which they are paired with, but they are certainly there.

Sure, these additional songs may just be fan service, but they’re still pretty great. Here’s a few that are proper B-Sides, not as tacked-on examples of cash-grabbery, but as limitless pieces of musical exploration. Keep in mind, these tracks are by no means a selection of widely-diverse songs which span multiple niche genres; they’re more just ones that I’ve come across while looking for new music, and accordingly grown to love.

And if you don’t care for any of these, just keep in mind that the likes of Radiohead’s ‘Talk Show Host’ and Queen’s ‘We Will Rock You’ all came to fame despite being mere after-thoughts of a record.

Muse- Glorious

It always seems the best B-Sides from Muse are hard to find. Unlike their earlier work which was compiled into the Hullabaloo Soundtrack, ‘Glorious’ remained hidden by the A-Side of the single ‘Invincible’. The track reaches a natural peak and maintains an impressive stature throughout; it sounds like a huge song, as terrible as that description is, but it aptly defines Muse during this period, in which their experimental ideas were arguably at their most successful.

It now remains relatively unknown to alternative rock. Barely ever played live, ‘Glorious’ is now confined to the likes of other amazing, but ignored B-Sides by the band, such as ‘Eternally Missed’, ‘Easily’ and ‘Fury’. That being said, it was the bonus track for Black Holes and Revelations, although this fact is unlikely to prompt the song's live return anytime soon.

The Joy Formidable- Ostrich

Given that the Welsh trio have remained far, far away from the mainstream, you can be forgiven for not knowing about them, let alone their B-Sides. Their magical mixing effects seem to have been somewhat dropped for a much heavier track in ‘Ostrich’. While it may not have much of a chorus or climax, the thudding bass keeps going through unfamiliar territory until the song’s conclusion. And while I'm not making an excuses for the band, this is a tune which certainly sounds better live.

If you're after something a bit more obscure, have a gander at the dance-worthy remix of 'Austere' done by the band's drummer, Matt Thomas. Needs a bit more of a donk on it, really.

The Black Keys- Evil

‘Evil’ isn’t an especially explosive track, but it is one which would be right at home among any of The Black Keys’ eight main LPs, (well, probably the earlier ones). It's a mellow song that'll have you intrigued at the very least, as the vocals sound much more raw than what you'd expect of Auerbach, hosting hints of Jimi Hendrix in a song which is as bluesy as they come. 

Whether your fond of their earlier stuff or not, 'Evil' sounds like the spontaneous result of a random jam session, and something which any Black Keys fan can surely appreciate. 

Biffy Clyro- Thundermonster

Apart from having the best-suited title for a song on this list, this Biffy B-Side is a personal favourite. As with ‘Evil’, ‘Thundermonster’ sticks to the band's status-quo; a solid stadium-rock anthem, but one which goes shamefully unnoticed. A rather slow verse is whipped into a storming chorus which best display Neil's aptitude for the genre. The combination of his vocals and spirit-filled guitar playing is arguably at its best in this song.

That being said, thanks to their fairly recent B-Side compilation Similarities, it may gain a bit more recognition, but of course it won’t be played live, with the exception of their Barrowlands gigs...

Royal Blood- Hole

I can tell you from experience, this number does get played live. It evokes such an atmosphere that it opens most Royal Blood gigs, and sets the mosh-worthy tone for the rest of the night. If I were to show a bit more of my opinion on their self-titled debut album, it’d be that the duo need to recognise that this song would have been much better suited on their ten-track album than other such as ‘Careless’ or ‘Better Strangers’, but oh well. 

I appreciate that it takes a bit more to get used too than some other tracks on the album, but it's a much, much better fit for the band. I mean, have a look at the opener in the video above, then look at live videos of 'Careless', and have a look at the crowd reactions for both. 'Hole' wins, that's all I'm saying...

Queens of the Stone Age- Born to Hula

Hidden away on the deluxe edition of Rated R, ‘Born to Hula’ embodies earlier Queens’ work rather aptly, tying you into a riff until you’re satisfied enough to mosh along, and then changing direction through the odd stop and start. And if you really want to get into things, there’s two different versions…

Regardless of which version you listen to, it's a cracking song which tops the likes of 'Quick and To The Pointless', which has the odd uncanny parallel to Biffy Clyro's earlier stuff. 

Oasis- Acquiesce

There’s a load of great Oasis B-Sides, showing that Noel Gallagher and friends didn’t mess around making sub-par tunes. ‘Talk Tonight’, ‘Half the World Away’, ‘Headshrinker’ and ‘The Masterplan’ are all very fine examples of this. 

But if you want a straight-up, uncomplicated song which can make crowds jump to the same degree as ‘Cigarettes and Alcohol’, then you can’t go wrong with this track. And there’s also the fact that Liam Gallagher never sung it correctly live, so make of that what you will.

Death From Above 1979- You’re Lovely (But You’ve Got Problems)

There’s no messing around with this DFA 1979 track, which sounds ahead of its time, considering it’s from a 2005 B-Sides and remixes compilation. 

Sounding more like their recent album, The Physical World, ‘You’re Lovely (But You’ve Got Problems)’ is a thrashing dance-punk song which devolves into a mosh worthy interlude halfway through and continues like nothing ever happened. You may enjoy it, you may not, but it's DFA1979 through and through.

Arctic Monkeys- If You Found This It’s Probably Too Late

Starting off with a small string section, like something out of hard-core rendition of Downton Abbey, the change in this B-Side is strong enough to snap necks. With an appropriate scream, high-tempo drums come in, sounding more like the aforementioned Death From Above than the band which pumped out AM not too long ago. 

It may just be a glimpse into the past with a quick minute duration, (as the first twenty seconds or so are filled with strings), but it’s a tune in need of revival. Imagine the High Green-ers playing this one live? If you're after their earlier songs, I'd step aside 'Fluorescent Adolescent', make way for this wonderful slice of nonsense. 

The Major Stuff of E3: Best of Show

Remember E3? Probably not, given how woefully late I am bringing my poorly-rounded opinions to the table for this year's conference. 

Despite the efforts of many, many vloggers, bloggers and folks who just ramble about games (alright), there is a huge portion of E3 which goes horribly unnoticed, engulfed in the shadows of the latest triple-A giants. This is my effort to try and fix that. I mean, pissing in the wind has to be worth something, right? 

In what can be considered a pretty average expo with some few good and great moments, some of the better, smaller titles on show were accidentally glossed over. For me, these show the best direction for gaming today. Some work with old ideas to create a characterful and charming experience. Others do something completely unexpected, and create a genre-defining title in the process. 

So here, you may not be seeing highly anticipated games like Fallout 4 or The Last Guardian, although the former looks rather cracking, but you will see a couple of obstructed gems which have been hidden away from the main conferences. 

But then again, Fallout 4 does look really, really top. 

Without further ado, I'll show you my personal picks of this year's E3 through a series of easily digestible, not necessarily accurate awards, which are completely false and mean absolutely nothing. Unless you want them to. 

Oh God, it's four in the morning again: XCOM 2

XCOM: Enemy Unknown was a surprise for me. A lovely unexpected occurrence in 2012, a year which was, for me, full of pretty good games. You know, the ones which are now in Humble Bundles for really good prices, and are very unlikely to be played for more than about an hour. 

Amidst the action of SSX, Blacklight: Retribution and Dishonoured, this remake of the classic strategy game was a slow, but incredibly intense experience, something which I wasn't expecting, but strangely enjoyed. Many a night was haunted by the cries of fallen soldiers as a woke up cursing the permadeath mechanic. 

Because the former title kept me up to ungodly hours, carved out over a hundred hours of my social life, and made me care for ridiculously named characters with bright purple hair, it's only natural that the sequel would make this list, and in a positive manner indeed. 

Taking place twenty years after the first installment, this sequel puts you, (commander) as the sole force against an overwhelming alien opposition, because clearly things weren't intense enough before. 

A hopefully solid interpretation of a beloved IP: Mad Max

I really, really hope that Avalanche Studios don't mess this up. At the very least, please make a solid action/adventure game. At best, do what was done with Batman, and the recently concluded Arkham trilogy; take a relatively mundane IP and revamp it. I mean, the time couldn't be better, coming off the back of the brilliant Fury Road.

Critics and those in the know are hailing it as a mash-up of Borderlands, Shadow of Mordor and Burnout. And given the distinct lack of the latter two titles this year, we can't go wrong. Can we?

As much as I want this game to be solid, some other chaps aren't as optimistic, which is perfectly understandable given the history of films which have become games. Remember Catwoman from the long-lost era of 2004? No, no you certainly don't. 

Best vanishing act: Criterion's untitled racing game

Remember how everyone loved Burnout Paradise? Remember how it didn't do one trailer, get everyone excited and then disappear into thin air? Well apparently, Criterion don't learn well from such successes, and have gone and left every Burnout fan hanging for a year now. 

Forget everything that you just saw in that video, because chances are it isn't happening anytime within the foreseeable future. Remember the likes of Motorstorm and DIRT?  As a kid, I thought that the best game ever would consist of cars and planes and racing and crashing, and it seems that Criterion were on course to make my inner 10 year-old weep with joy...

Ah well, apologies about the mid-showcase venting session. Within the wake of this year's expo, and a lack of Kinect, brown shooters and framerate arguments, this game, and all the potential it could've had still sticks out to me like the sorest of thumbs. 

Taking other ideas and doing them properly: For Honor

Mate, have you seen this entire MOBA business? That's where it's at. Dirty Bomb did it in an FPS, and it seems that everyone's forgotten about Chivalry: Medieval Warfare. So, it appears that now is a great time to make a solid melee combat game with everyone's favourite childhood soldiers. Let's make people a Knight. Or a Samurai. Or a Viking, yeah that shit sounds rad. 

They seem to be dodging the bullet of massive melee combat by using a hell of a lot of AI creeps, just like Titanfall and DoTA, which are easy for you to defeat. Plus, it makes it seem like there's a bigger conflict going on around you, that the battle isn't just a traditional 4v4 deal. 

When it comes to improving on the likes of Chivalry, and it's lacklustre parry and blocking system, For Honor showcased its 'Art of Battle' control scheme. All gimmicky names aside, it looks solid, a natural improvement which melee games have been needing for some time, tying your attack and defense all the right stick, (good luck to PC players planning on sticking with a keyboard and mouse). 

Granted, this all seems rather solid and promising, but keep in mind that it isn't even in an alpha stage yet. For Honor is far from being released, but it seems that Ubi have ditched their tower fetish, so good on them. 

Indie game which will have ridiculously large exposure: Cuphead

If you're after a beautiful game, look no further. With all the fuss about graphics over recent years, and more recently about the quality of Fallout 4's assets, it seems that people have been a bit too busy counting pixels to take a step back, and just appreciate how the overall package has come together.

And mate, it seems that a good art-style and excellent animation has been terribly overlooked. The first thing people shout when they see Cuphead is something to do with 1930's cartoons, and they aren't wrong. It's a style which has been seldom pulled-off beforehand, and one which needs to be done fully, or not at all.

Thankfully, Studio MDHR have fully embraced this idea, with a game which oozes character and charm, making a typical platform-shooter idea a much more appealing concept. In theory, Cuphead shouldn't be anything special. And without doing anything groundbreaking or innovative, the game has received so much more attention than it traditionally would, all thanks to some well-done art assets. Good work pays off, take note big developers. 

This is one of the few times that E3 seems to be helping out smaller games, hopefully sending the Moldenhauer brothers to unseen heights. 

Pissing off die-hard fans, making me excited: Fallout 4

Yeah sorry, you'll be seeing Fallout 4 here after all.

There were two things that caused an initial worry around Fallout 4 in the footage shown at the Bethesda conference this year: One was the objective quality of the graphics, how it looked a few years old to some, and how textures weren't as sharp as people had wanted. The second was the atmosphere it created. I know that's rather vague, so let me try and explain. 

I'm not necessarily a Fallout fan. I can appreciate why people love it, but I'm just not all that fussed about it. I say this because I had the odd dabble in Fallout 3 and New Vegas, and the one thing I took away from those games was the atmosphere. Not the mechanics, the weapons, or the lore of the games, but the mood that engulfed it. I was intrigued that it created a mood similar to that of Metro, despite its much larger and arguably less detailed world. 

I remember the colour palette seemingly being a pre-cursor to the phase of modern military shooters. Everything was brown, mate. And man, it has a lot of rather dedicated fans who loved it as it was. 

Then I watched the Bethesda conference and got very excited about Fallout 4. The customisation, the details, the colours, the new look, the fact that you can fight a Deathclaw in a suit of power-armour. I loved it, presumably because I have no previous attachment to the series, so I can only imagine some die-hard fans being rather annoyed at the concepts which I love. 

People will complain that the voiced protagonist breaks your immersion, and that the new look is too clean, Boston looks ruined, but not like it's been nuked. Some will be annoyed that it's weapon modifications won't fit in the universe, or that the made a gimmicky Pip-Boy, or that the dialogue system could've been ripped from any Bioware game. 

But personally, I don't care. It looks great, (to me). Regardless of one's interpretation, it certainly is Fallout. 

I don't know what it is, but it looks lovely: 

For this one, I was incredibly tempted to go with Lumino City. It was on the floor this year as part of the IndieCade Showcase, and it looks delightful. It's art style alone makes you all warm inside, and abruptly hinders your ability to say anything apart from 'it's lovely'. 

Just have a quick gander, it's made out of paper and cardboard, and is the result of a collaboration between artists, architects and model-makers. Everything about it shouts enchanting. But unfortunately, it was released last year. 

So, in order to appear legitimate, I'm gonna go with something which seems to be overlooked, even by the Indie specialists: The Flame in the Flood.

It seems to combine two things which are seldom paired; a marvelous and colourful aesthetic and some elements of survival. I'm thinking of an optimistic-looking Don't Starve and I still feel like I'm miles away. From the trailer, which is backed by a atmosphere-oozing Chuck Ragan, you get an idea of what you need to do, but not of the systems or mechanics it employs. The group's blog didn't help me much...

Seriously, all I know for certain is that there's a raft, and a dog companion. And subsequently, it has my curiosity, and my attention.

This still exists?: The Division

It's great that we finally got a release date for this title, March 2016, to be relatively vague. But I don't understand why we're still being drip-fed information and new footage, to be brutally honest, does the game look good enough to warrant such a slow development? 

The one thing I got from this year's coverage of The Division is that you now have the potential to betray your friends. It's around two years behind schedule, and we haven't seen much of a change since it's announcement in E3 of 2013. 

What puzzles me even more is the ideas that Ubi seem to be utilising when it comes to The Division, and when it comes their shooters in general. Surely it would be better to focus on a single open-world shooter, instead of announcing another Tom Clancy game in the form of Ghost Recon: Wildlands. 

I can appreciate that the two games are different types of shooters, in varied settings encompassing a different tone. But they're still two shooters nonetheless, inspired by the same man. 

At least wait until one has been released, (and not inevitably downgraded), or make one a Splinter Cell title. Releasing two similar titles within a proportionally small time-frame just seems a bit daft, really. 

It just won't stay dead: Guitar Hero Live and Rock Band 4

Remember the last console generation? Yeah, most of us do, although one thing I won't miss is the peripherals that came with it. While there was the likes of the Kinect, the Playstation Move, a bunch of small game add-ons like unique controllers for the quiz game Buzz!, the additions which seemed to clog up our storage space the most were the controllers for Guitar Hero and Rock Band. 

I regret asking for few things when I was younger, but one of them was the Guitar Hero full band set, consisting of two guitars and a drum kit. There was DJ Hero too, but no-one remembers that. 

Good God, these musical monstrosities were used once, then quickly ditched in favour of actual instruments. Have  a look around your local pawn shop a few years ago, (for me, CEX), and see the array of peripherals which were testament to their quality. 

I personally don't support these kinds of games. I get that people want to play music without playing music, if that makes sense, but for the £80 it cost me for a game and plastic guitar, you could get the real thing. 

I've no idea why these glorified rhythm games have made a sudden resurgence, but surely demand for them can't be that high? I know that Guitar Hero and Rock Band go hand-in-hand like the worst gaming pair since Kane and Lynch, but just why? Haven't you done enough, Activision and Harmonix?

But anyway, the latest Guitar Hero promises crowds which react to how well you do, so presumably they won't just politely nod along if you're shite. It also promises a playable music network, which is updated constantly. Essentially a rubbish Apple Music, I'm thinking. 

Quite honestly, I don't know enough about Harmonix's installment to even warrant a quick chat, so I'll gloss over it. If you're someone who's actually anticipating these games, then I hope you don't like money, as I can guarantee there'll be some kind of special edition guitar nonsense. Errrrrrr...

Can't go wrong, really: Mirror's Edge: Catalyst

2008 was a great year. I think. I can't really remember, but there was a great bit of innovation in at least one instance. 

First person and platforming are two terms which shouldn't theoretically work. I mean, try jumping onto something and looking where your feet are, it's a bit tricky. 

But in a time in which the gaming industry needed a breath of fresh air, no-one really expected something like this, and no-one at all expected it to come from the likes of EA. But it did, and Mirror's Edge was brought into existence. And it was surprisingly good.

So after becoming a fan favourite, you can imagine how excited everyone was when the sequel was announced. At the very least, Catalyst  seems to promise more of the same, and while I'd normally pan this notion, the rare case of Mirror's Edge seems to be an exception, despite the inspiration the original provided for other titles. 

A free-roaming world with no loading screens seems to be an ideal progression for a game which has only previously seen rather linear levels. While I would fear for the plot of this upcoming title, (which seems to consist of 'big companies, no privacy, one big boss battle at the end, people's revolution', you know, that story), it'll be nice to get a more prolonged look into the once superficial world behind Mirror's Edge. 

I mean, can Faith ask why everything's white? Is this Mr Kruger just really obsessive over the colour scheme. Even a worse case scenario promises us Faith's origin story, so it'll be difficult to mess this up; You know EA, and you've seen Battlefield Battlefront...

Exactly what was needed: Just Cause 3

A lot of what I just stated about Mirror's Edge: Catalyst applies here too. A lot of games have attempted to create a fuck-about sandbox, disguised as a serious game, and with the possible exception of Grand Theft Auto V, none seems to have mastered the remarkably simple formula better than Just Cause.

Seriously, it does compel me that no other games has topped this title; what's so hard about a big open world, vehicles, explosions and a grapple gun? Well, apart from tying it all together in a somewhat cohesive manner, I suppose. 

Although everyone seems to be going with an open world recently, few can top the 400 square kilometers of Mediterranean dictatorship which Just Cause 3 boasts. I would say that No Man's Sky tops it, but that's an open universe mate, a different league entirely. 

Infinite C4, some cracking new locations to destroy, and even the ability to draw a phallus in a field with a sports car, inadvertently prove that the third iteration of this game is shaping up to be the best yet. Without being too optimistic, how is it possible to mess this up? Then again, I've said that quite a few times previously. 

Granted, we've yet to hear anything about multiplayer, but as someone who persevered through the mod for Just Cause 2, I must say that it's fairly low on my list of priorities for this game. And the support that Avalanche are giving PC modders seems to suggest that a similar mod will be made for Just Cause 3, eventually.

Compared to the previous few expos, which focused on "look how shiny our new consoles are", us gamers came off rather well this year. There was nothing too significant to complain about, (although we'll always find something), what with some nostalgic announcements, and an actual focus on games, but how good was the best?

I suppose there was nothing that utterly captivated me, but then again, E3 has never really been the place to do that. What was shown was solid, and as long as didn't make use of some exclusive beta nonsense, everything had its own merits. 

Long story short; you couldn't go wrong this year. 

Album Review: Muse - Drones

After 2012’s The 2nd Law left most Muse fans somewhat disappointed, the excitement surrounding Drones was understandably colossal. The trio were promising a return to the likes of earlier works, most notably their second and third albums, Origin of Symmetry and Absolution.

Those are my two favourite albums from the band, and easily in my favourite fifteen albums in existence, alongside the likes of Like Clockwork, Definitely Maybe and even Royal Blood’s self-titled debut. Muse were the band to transition me from my early teenage chart music taste to the diverse offerings of rock tunes, a musical awakening of sorts. So as a disclaimer, my responsibility of remaining unbiased could have faltered at moments during this review.

However, this was surely countered by my high expectations of this album. Seriously, I’m expecting a mash-up of two of the band’s heaviest records, a glorious combination of originality and proper rock, none of this new experimental business which Muse have recently seem so fond of.

So, as I listened to Drones from start to finish, I was instantly hit with a flood of worry and disappointment.

See ‘Dead Inside’, the prime reason for me previously stating that this album was the “emo phase” of Matt Bellamy. The song is catchy, and it makes sense given the narrative context of the album. It isn’t a bad song, but it certainly does not create a good first impression for dedicated fans. Bellamy’s guitar is all too infrequent until the outro, giving me immediate flashbacks to The 2nd Law’s ‘Madness’. That being said, ‘Dead Inside’ oozes a catchy rhythm which carries an array of funky synth layers and will probably have you attempting Bellamy’s vocals by the end of the week. So just gloss over how the final line, “on the outside I’m the greatest guy, now I’m dead inside” seems to strike a chord with what has happened with Bellamy and his now good friend Kate Hudson, and you’ll have a catchy pop song which you can rub in the face of chart listeners.

The album then takes an optimistic step forward with ‘Psycho’. The riff will be familiar to dedicated fans and frequent Muse gig-goers, as the band have been playing the tune between live songs for around ten years now. Matt has previously proclaimed the simplicity of the riff as its greatest strength, and he seems to be spot on with this remark; when played live, the Mancunian crowd sang along with the melody, a feat which is normally reserved for incredibly enthusiastic South American crowds. Yes, the lyrics aren’t particularly deep, and the images associated with the song aren’t very inspiring, but it’s probably the best fit for such a riff. Can you imagine how quickly the song would go downhill if more complex sections were stitched in, or if more than three different riffs were used? It’s an appropriately simple track, and it gets the job done.

Apart from imagining how French crowds will take to the song, track 4, ‘Mercy’, left me regrettably uninspired. Of course, when the chorus kicks into full swing, it’s a joy to immerse yourself in. When I had this on in the car, the difference between the verse and chorus is astonishingly massive, which really helps you get into the track, and really shows off one of the band’s strengths; transforming a forgettable segment of a song into a thunderous and bombastic Queen-esque romp, not taking itself too seriously and being all the better for it.

However, this is where I began to unravel one of my quarrels with this album, the issue being that it seems to be underutilising its potential. Several of the tracks on the album seem to be harking back to 80s and 90s rock ballads which inspired 2009’s The Resistance, making them seem like B-Sides rather than new original material. I’m not saying that the likes of ‘Mercy’, ‘Revolt’ and even potentially ‘Aftermath’ should’ve been put alongside the singles for ‘Uprising’ and ‘Undisclosed Desires’ from six years ago, but I wouldn’t look twice if they were.

That being said, this album isn’t lacking material which feels truly new and unique, a feat that few bands, Muse included, can seem to pull off. Look at ‘Reapers’. Ignore its less-than-subtle influences and the outro which draws a potent parallel to Rage Against the Machine’s ‘Freedom’, and you can witness one of the band’s best efforts in recent memory. ‘Reapers’ has just enough of Bellamy’s CIA conspiracies in the lyrics, just enough keys and synth, and plenty of heavily distorted guitars when it comes to the chorus. For me, it’s the best track on the album, closely followed by ‘The Handler’, and it’s been on repeat since I first heard it; the face-melting intro riff and plentiful guitar solo show that Muse do still certainly have rock within them, although they now express their craft in a much more refined and thoughtful manner than they did around fifteen years ago.

‘The Handler’ keeps the heavy nature of Drones going, with arguably the catchiest main riff in the collection. Paired with a refreshingly slow drum beat, and a fantastic solo before the outro, I can imagine this being another tune which may result in Chris needing more neck surgery. This song, alongside ‘Psycho’ seems to be the best examples of the band trying to recreate music from their older albums. If you’re after a refreshed example of older works from Hullabaloo Soundtrack, or even some of Absolution, this will be your safest bet, although the fragmented sections of the following track ‘Defector’ seem to be equally nostalgic.

The riff for ‘Defector’ retro Muse, plain and simple, although I can’t help but think that the synchronised cries of a stuttered “inciting” and a prolonged “society” bring us back into the reality of Muse, and reveal a harsh truth which many fans have yet to overcome; as much as they try, their earlier albums simply cannot be recreated. The raw trio of instruments which the band was formed around will now always be given an additional experimental touch.

It’s hardly a bad thing; Muse seem to have become to adept with their own style of well-constructed rock that harking back and playing riffs akin to the likes of Nirvana, Rage Against the Machine and Queens of the Stone Age should probably be left for the likes of newer bands, see chiefly Royal Blood.

It’s almost as if the band are now too big to create raw and harsh rock tunes, having to submit to some degree of production and procedure in order to create the immense live experiences that are expected of their music. I remember a bunch of fan-made pro-shot videos circulating the stadium tour for The 2nd Law, and how ecstatic fans were at a B-Side being played, 2002’s ‘Yes Please’. It was great for the fans, but as I attempted to listen in a detached manner, the song seemed to be missing something; the colossal stage seemed empty and Bellamy’s vocals seemed to expressing the song’s novelty rather than its original meaning, it just seemed out of place in a tour which was surrounded by Muse’s new works which oozed their own original brand of cheesy stadium rock, not their older post-grunge phases.

Speaking of cheesy rock, track nine, ‘Revolt’ would fit right in with The Resistance, as I previously mentioned, and the song is filled with its own array of quirks which make it lovable in an example of heavier, arguably better, tunes. There’s the way the drums fit perfectly with an introductive police siren, and the way the chorus doubles the pace. As I glanced over in the previous paragraph, it’s Muse doing what they do best, so it’s hard for them to mess up. ‘Revolt’ may stick out like a thorn, but it does what needs to be done, in changing the mood and pace of the story which Drones is attempting to tell. The same can also be said for ‘Aftermath’ and the concluding ‘Drones’, which are good in their own rights, but likely not to the tastes of your typical rock fan; although they do their part nonetheless.

The album seems to devolve into effects and multiple layers as it goes on, departing from the proper rock concept which fans were promised. The song I was highly anticipating was the ten minute sequel to a fan favourite, the penultimate track named ‘The Globalist’, and it did little to initially bolster my hopes. The extensive intro will remind you of ‘Invincible’ and their live intro to the epic ‘Knights of Cydonia’; but it drags on past its welcome. The following guitar riff is gratifyingly heavy and dark, emitting a tone only rivalled by the likes of Queens of the Stone Age. But again, it’s far too short, and the countdown from “ten” to “fire” only culminates in some more aggressive drumming from Dom Howard, with no change in the guitars until the forced solo sequence. Afterwards, you’re greeted with another extensive quiet piano section. It does certainly seem that in attempting to create another ‘Citizen Erased’, the band have accidentally stifled the potential of ‘The Globalist’.

Drones is an odd album for me. I do like it, as a simple judgement of the tracks within it, but as a fan, I’m not so sure.

I do like the catchiness of ‘Dead Inside’ and ‘Revolt’, even though I shouldn’t. They’re a proper guilty pleasure, which is countered by the likes of some astounding tracks, mostly ‘Reapers’, ‘The Handler’ and ‘Defector’, but unfortunately the rest seems to be joy-inducing filler. Clearly that’s not the band’s intention, and I’m sure the story of Drones is appropriately paced and aptly harrowing, I mean, Bellamy’s obsession with autonomous killing machines is understandably fascinating, and makes for a good theme for the album, but I find it hard to share his enthusiasm on the subject matter.

The other unfortunate occurrence with this album is that there are no hidden surprises. Due to a series of lyric videos posted before the album’s release, fans already knew what the meat of the album sounded like. There was no lovely revelation, no ‘Animals’ from their last album, and no ‘Unnatural Selection’ from the one before that. That being said, nothing on the album is critically bad, just out of my comfort zone, and that of other fans.

Is it better than the last album? Yes, although the track-listing could’ve done with some re-thinking. Is it the return to form that fans hoped for? Not quite, but it’s the best the band could do. We need to appreciate that a band this big is in far too deep to recreate its earlier tunes. However, their attempt shows the vast talent of the trio, and that they will seem to continue onwards in the same bombastic manner as before, only with a bit more distortion on the guitars. And I can live with that.